Last week in therapy I mentioned a belief I have around the futility of my own actions. Two beliefs, actually: one, is the belief that what I do will not have the intended outcome, but instead some dire, undesired consequence; the other is that I just have no ability at all to impact my circumstances/the world/my Self/etc.

Paradoxically these can even operate simultaneously. The outcome is that I have a very hard time believing in my own agency. This can manifest in many — sometimes surprising — ways. An example is my License Plate Numerology OCD symptom. What I’m looking for when I look for omens in the license plate numbers is some indication of what will happen to me, because I can have no [positive] impact on it myself. So, I have to rely entirely not only on external circumstances, but external circumstances that are entirely arbitrary and nearly opaque.

I think this is why it’s been one of my most durably difficult symptoms.

I also realized that, in thinking about the uncertainties of the world, I have the impulse to “find a safe place,” rather than to create a safe — or, at least, tolerable — place for myself. It feels like something I’m subject to, something that’s out of my hands except in terms of availability, and my ability to take advantage of that availability. I think this is one of the deepest reasons “Having Money” feels so important, and on such an existential level.

It’s probably also related to my tendency to react to stress with catatonic shutdown, though I haven’t yet articulated to myself exactly how… I guess it’s a matter of already feeling so ineffective that any additional constraint, such as my impending death or incapacity [time; ability] feels like a total, catastrophic collapse.

Again, relatedly (I think), is the whole abandonment melange situation I got into recently with my grief not only around Tabi’s death, but around having no Parent figure to share that with & seek comfort. Maybe what’s related there is the feeling… I’m not sure.